Down the Rabbit Hole, Though Not on Purpose
by Emotistic Optimistic
Summary: The Queen of Hearts has a vendetta; the new Hatter refuses to be mad, so he says. The only thing that seems to line up with Alice's stories of her adventures in Wonderland is the Cheshire Cat. However, Lacie doesn't much care; she just wants to go home.
1. In Which the Madness Begins

It was that rabbit hole. That same, exact rabbit hole that her great-grandmother had gone through. And her Lacie was, falling down it. Granted, it was just as slow as she had heard from the stories, but honestly, how _could_ she be so _stupid?_

It had all started about three days before, when her parents' divorce was finalized. Then two days ago, her boyfriend dumped her. And yesterday, her cat had been hit by a car. Needless to say, it had been a bad week.

So, naturally, she went down by the river and climbed the only tree in the meadow. Her cat, Leonard, had loved to curl up on her stomach while she sketched the flowers around her. But this time, with no Leonard to nap on her stomach and her sketchbook having been torn to shreds in a fit of anger three days ago, Lacie deemed it a good place to have a good cry.

When she first noticed the rabbit, she thought it was her vision being blurred by her tears. Of course, there were rabbits all around this area by the river, but this one was _different_. It was pure white, with pink eyes and a twitchy pink nose, and it also had an elaborate waistcoat with an oddly large pocketwatch. Also, it was screaming its head off on how it was going to be late.

Yes, this rabbit was different.

Lacie, curious, climbed down from her perch in the tree, softly, so as not to frighten it more than it already was, and followed it. She had to know what a rabbit could possibly be late for. It hopped through the daisies and suddenly disappeared. Lacie let out a cry of surprise, then ran to where the rabbit had disappeared. Then she herself had disappeared…and fell right through the rabbit hole.

So here she was, gently floating down. The initial terror had worn off and had been replaced with apathetic boredom. The slow fall left her with plenty of time to think over the aforementioned events.

Now that she thought of it, Geoff hadn't been _that_ great of a boyfriend. He had _only_ been tall, blond, handsome, strong, and charming. He had _only_ had the most gorgeous sea blue eyes. He had _only_ broken her heart after being her first steady boyfriend.

This wasn't helping, so she began thinking of her parents. She supposed the divorce would make them happier. No more fighting, just a broken up home. No more of her mother's tears, just no mother at all as she worked two jobs to maintain custody. No more of her father's shouting, just no father at all as he moved to France.

This also didn't help. She thought of Leonard. He had been a cute little white cat, with large, curious green eyes. He had one of the loudest purrs Lacie had ever heard from a cat, and he always came and curled up on her stomach as she read a book or sketched. But now he was buried in her backyard, and Lacie would never hear his purr again.

Lacie shook her head. This _definitely_ wasn't helping. She looked around and noticed her reflection in a mirror that was floating next to her. Well, if anything, she still _looked_ the same. The same fair, heart-shaped face with the oval forehead and pointy chin. The same light brown hair in a bob cut. The same grey-green eyes with eyeliner surrounding them. Yes, she looked the same. The mirror suddenly stopped, but Lacie kept falling. She huffed, suddenly realizing that the situation was hopeless.

"They won't be able to find me," Lacie said, more frustrated than sad. "I'll just die down here, won't I? Simply superb, dying in a rabbit hole." She sighed. "They won't even think of looking here. What would the headlines say? 'Loony teenage girl gone missing, presumably down a rabbit hole.' Oh, right. Simply _marvelous_…"

As soon as she said this, she fell to the ground with a surprisingly hard thump.

"Oww!" she yelped, then got to her feet and looked around. "Well, this is certainly the oddest rabbit hole I've ever seen."

"Oh, my ears and whiskers!! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!" The rabbit she had seen earlier came barreling down the hall on two legs, which was quite a feat for a rabbit.

"Oi!" Lacie cried. "Wait up!"

The rabbit paid her no heed. Lacie huffed and blew a strand of brown hair out of her eyes.

"Damn rabbit…" She closed her eyes and thought back to the stories her mother had told her, passed down through three generations. This rabbit was no doubt the White Rabbit, and, in the stories, her great-grandmother had called out to it, but to no avail. It just kept running. Lacie opened her eyes and pushed her hair out of her eyes, then ran down the hall, as fast as she could.

And she tackled the Rabbit to the ground.

It wasn't polite, true, but Lacie wanted answers, and the White Rabbit would probably be the one to give them to her…maybe. He squeaked from under her.

"Please, let me go! The Queen shall have my head if I don't hurry!" the Rabbit cried in desperation.

"Will you give me answers first?" Lacie asked.

"Yes, please let me go! I'm late, I'm late, I'm…"

"I get it!" Lacie snapped. The sighed. She wouldn't get anywhere being impolite. "Hi. I'm Lacie."

"I've no time for introductions! I need to…" The Rabbit looked up at her, finally seeing her face. Then he did something rather odd.

He screamed bloody murder.

Odd. Needless to say, Lacie was alarmed and quickly asked, "What?! What is it?!"

"Oh, no, no, no! The Queen shall make me into Rabbit stew!!" The Rabbit pushed himself away from her, and bolted down the hall, screaming, "I'm late! I'm late! I'm late! Ohh…I'm late…and the Alice is back!!"

Lacie stared after the odd White Rabbit as he ran down the hall. Not quite knowing what to do, she called after him, "I said my name's Lacie!"

Halls. Halls and halls and halls and halls.

Apparently, that's all Wonderland was. Nothing but halls and locked doors. Lacie was getting worried about what was going to happen to her. She saw one of two things in her future: 1) A psychotic killer bursting through one of the doors and killing her in a mess of blood and B-movie drama, or 2) she would die of starvation, tragically, while wandering these endless halls. Personally, she would prefer the second one. That sounded more like an Oscar-consideration-movie ending.

Lacie shook her head. This was absolute nonsense. She had to keep her wits about her here, or else she would totally lose it and end up like Alice did. Lacie's mother said that her great-grandmother had never been all there.

Lacie stopped as she noticed a little door in front of her. It was only about one foot by one foot, but it was a pretty little thing. All ebony and roses. She looked over and saw a table beside her, with a glass top. On top of that was a little bottle that said "Drink Me" in a pretty, elegant script. Lacie snorted.

"No, thank you," she said to no one in particular. "It'll make me shrink."

She looked around the room for another door. None were in sight. Lacie huffed in frustration. She knew not to cry, or else there'd be a lake. That was bad, and she wanted to get out of here relatively dry.

She sighed. There seem to be no other option than to drink the bottle. She turned to take it, and discovered a small silver key where the bottle had been. That was surprising, but definitely not unwelcome. She took it and knelt in front of the little door.

She slid the key in and turned. Oddly, the lock stuck, and she had to work to unlock it. She hadn't expected that, given how new the door and key looked. Finally, the lock clicked, showing it was unlocked, and Lacie turned the handle. This, too, stuck, and Lacie had to pull hard to open it. To her surprise, not only did the little door open, but so did a good six-by-four feet of the wall with the door.

Lacie stared in wonder at what was on the other side of the door. A beautiful garden, with waist-high flowers, made up the beautiful scenery. Lacie smiled.

Maybe she could stay in Wonderland for a little while.

She walked into the garden, looking around with wide eyes. Everything was so beautiful…it seemed almost too good to be true. She knelt by a rose and cautiously smelled it. It didn't smell like a rose at all, but more like Geoff's cologne. She half-expected her heart to ache with longing, but it didn't. She was too caught up in everything here.

She was snapped out of her daze by a nip at her ankles. She looked down and saw a small, green, pig-like thing biting at her shoes.

"Oi! Lay off!" she cried, kicking at it. It flew back and hit a large vine. Instantly, Lacie felt sorry. She didn't mean to hurt it.

"By Jove! You've got quite a kick there!"

Lacie turned around and saw an odd bird with a large head and beak, yet a scrawny body. She had seen this kind of bird in her science books, a Dodo bird, but…weren't they extinct? And weren't they only about a foot and a half, not six feet tall?

The Dodo laughed. "My dear girl, you've just launched a momerath a good six feet! That's quite an accomplishment!"

"Uh-huh…" Lacie was a bit wary of the Dodo. He seemed a tad too friendly for her liking.

The Dodo looked at her, his eyes very wide and blinking. He gasped. "Why, you're Alice! I should have known!"

"Um…no…I'm not," Lacie said, getting quite scared.

"Don't you remember me? We met when you first got to Wonderland!" The Dodo chortled. "You've grown since then, that's obvious. The Queen wants very badly to see you, you know."

"The…Queen?" Lacie said weakly, utterly confused. The Dodo put a wing around her shoulders in a friendly sort of way.

"Yes, yes, my girl! Come, let's go see her."

"Uh…I'd rather not…" She tried to walk away, but the Dodo, for having such scrawny arms, was surprisingly strong.

"Nonsense! We can't keep the Queen waiting!" Lacie noticed a trace of urgency in his voice, and it scared her even more.

"N-no!" Lacie cried, then kicked the Dodo as hard as she could. He squawked in surprise, and Lacie bolted away, out of the garden, into a dark, dead-looking forest. She looked back, to see if the Dodo had followed her, but no one was there. She sank to the ground and took several deep breaths to calm herself down. That's when she began hearing the whispers around her.

"Alice…she's back!"

"She must see the Queen…"

"The Queen wants to see her."

"We must find her…"

Lacie let out a cry and ran further into the forest, tears of terror filling her eyes. She knew about the Queen, how she lopped off everyone's heads. If she wanted to see Lacie, then that was _not_ good.

Suddenly, Lacie tripped over a branch and fell flat on her face. The whispers grew louder.

"Alice…she needs to see the Queen…"

"Alice…"

"Alice…"

"Alice…"

"STOP!" Lacie screamed, getting up to her knees. Instantly, the voices were gone. That was good, but now, Lacie was lost. She had run off the path in her fright, and was now stranded in the middle of this dark forest. Lacie whimpered, hugging her arms around herself.

"If you're in need of a guide, you'll need one mad enough to side with you."

Lacie looked up, afraid. Her voice hoarse, she whispered, "Wh-who's there?"

"The question isn't who's there, it's who's _here_," came the voice. A thin, black and grey tabby jumped down to a nearby branch. Lacie jumped. The cat had an odd glint to its eyes, but what really caught her off-guard was the cat's huge, pointy grin. It looked slightly devious, to put it lightly.

"Was it you who talked?" Lacie asked. The cat tilted its head, still grinning. She had never seen a cat smile before, and it was quite unsettling.

"Was it I? It might have been, it might not have been," the cat said. "Cheshire Cats have been known to speak as well as grin."

"Oh, you're the Cheshire Cat!" Lacie cried. The Cheshire Cat grinned more broadly.

"And you're an Alice," he said. Lacie cocked her head.

"An Alice? No…I'm Lacie," she said, confused.

"One and the same," the Cat said, jumping to another branch. "Both of you are and were Alices, and both of you are and were mad."

"Mad?!" Lacie was insulted. The Cat's grin didn't waver.

"Of course you're mad. You wouldn't be here otherwise. If I weren't mad, I wouldn't be here, either." The Cat arched backward and licked his back. "Lucky for me, all cats are mad."

"Is that why you run around the room chasing nothing at all?" Lacie asked. The Cat looked back at her, grinning approvingly.

"You catch on quick," he said. "But no doubt you've got questions."

"How would you know?" Lacie asked.

"Madmen see things the sane never do," the Cat stated, as if quoting an old mantra, and perhaps it was, but that didn't help Lacie.

"Well, then maybe you can answer them," she said. The Cat let out a laugh.

"Oh, no, not I! The mad see things they cannot say," he said.

Lacie frowned. This Cat was starting to piss her off. "Then how am I supposed to learn anything around here?!"

The Cat sent her a smile that was slightly insane, as if he knew a dark secret that no one else could know. "Well, if you want any answers, you might want to start with the Hatter. He's quite the know-it-all in these parts."

"Wait, what do you…?" Lacie trailed off as the Cheshire Cat suddenly disappeared, though his grin remained.

"The Hatter. Look around, you're bound to find someone of the name," the grin said, then faded away. Lacie huffed.

"Hatter? How am I supposed to know where the Hatter is?" she said impatiently, turning on her heel and storming away. "Ow!"

In her annoyance, Lacie had walked right into a pole of some sort. She rubbed her head and looked at it. Her eyebrows rose as she read the arrow pointing to the left.

"Ohh…right. The Mad Hatter. The one who had tea with rabbits and mice," she murmured to herself. "Well, better him than that psychotic Cat."

She walked down the road, following where the arrow had pointed her, until she reached a small little cottage. She frowned as she walked through the gate.

"I thought there was a table set for teatime," she said quietly.

"That's the March Hare's house. And most people find it rude when one walks in without invitation."

Lacie jumped and turned around. Sitting on a small wall was a young man, maybe about eighteen or so, with a large black top hat with a scarlet ribbon around it atop his head. His clothing—a red frockcoat over a grey vest and a white button-down, a pair of black slacks with faint silver pinstripes, a black ascot, and a golden pocketwatch and chain—was very old-fashioned; Victorian, Lacie guessed. He studied her with dark eyes, then took a sip from the teacup in his hand.

But…this couldn't be the Mad Hatter. From her great-grandmother's sketches, the Mad Hatter had been a short, older man, with rather wild, curly white hair. But, as stated earlier, this man was quite young, rather tall and slender, and had deep red, almost black, hair, which was rather thick and a bit long. The only similarities between this Mad Hatter and the Mad Hatter from the sketches were the freckles sprinkled across their nose and cheeks, and even then the sketch-Mad Hatter's were more erratic than this Mad Hatter's. He looked up at her again and raised his dark eyebrows.

"Well, Alice? Are you going to say something, or are you waiting to have a fly to go with your tea?" he asked.

"I…I'm not Alice. I'm Lacie," Lacie stuttered. The Mad Hatter rolled his eyes.

"You can change the hair, you can change the age, and you can change the spelling, but you can never change an Alice," he said, carefully balancing his saucer and teacup on his knee.

"How…how would you even know I'm an Alice?" Lacie asked.

"Well, you've got that curiosity in the eyes. That always gives away when you're an Alice. Secondly, you knew that there was a tea party. Thirdly, your clothes tell me you're from the W.A.G…"

"W.A.G?"

"The World Above Ground. Finally, the Cat told me," the Mad Hatter said with a lopsided grin.

"Let me guess, you knew my great-grandmother," she said. "She was the real Alice."

"Yeah, I've heard of her."

"Heard of her? She was at your tea party!"

"Oh, no, not my tea party."

"What?! But you're the Mad Hatter!"

The Mad Hatter scowled. "You're a rude girl, aren't you? Some people actually find it offending when you call them mad."

Lacie put her hands on her hips. "Well, whatever you'd like to be called, weren't you at the tea party with the March Hare and the Dormouse?"

"Oh, no, not me. I was still an apprentice, then. That was the original Hatter. Speaking of which, I'm just the Hatter. I'm not mad at all, well, not more than anyone else here."

"What happened to him? The first Hatter, I mean."

"Queen got to him." The Hatter raked his thumb across his neck, then pulled down his hat over his head, making the illusion of him having lost his head. "Off went his head, hat and all. Then the March Hare, and the Dormouse…that bloke was lucky, slept through the whole thing…the other two weren't as fortunate…"

"That…that's awful…" Lacie gasped. "Why'd she do that to all of them?"

The Hatter pulled up his hat again, looking at Lacie with wide eyes. "Not just them…the Duchess, her cook, the Gryphon, the Mock-Turtle, all of them…"

"Why?!" Lacie cried.

"Well…the Queen's gone rather loony since your grand-mama left Wonderland. Her prisoner's gone with a verdict but no sentence. That's never happened before. So she's trying to get her back by killing off everyone who's come in contact with Alice…"

"But…but Alice is dead! She died twenty-five years ago!" Lacie was shaking; none of the stories she had heard had prepared her for this.

"The Queen doesn't know that. And she'll do whatever she can to see that sentence through."

Lacie swallowed. "Then how did you get out of getting your head chopped off?" she asked meekly. The Hatter shrugged.

"Well, I never met Alice. That, and the Queen needs hats to be made for her and the rest of Wonderland, and I'm the only one who can do that," he said, then drained his teacup. He got down from his perch on the wall and started walking toward the house. Lacie followed him.

"Hatter! Wait!"

"What is it?" The Hatter turned around impatiently. Lacie stared at him incredulously.

"You tell me how Wonderland's become the site of a massacre, and then you just go inside and leave me out here?" she asked shrilly. The Hatter sighed.

"Would you like to come in?" he asked snidely, bowing with mock-politeness. Lacie frowned.

"Well, no need to be snippy," she sniffed. The Hatter rolled his eyes again and went inside. He stopped when he noticed that Lacie wasn't following.

"Well? What are you waiting for?" he asked sharply.

"You were serious?" Lacie asked.

"I won't be in a moment!"

"Okay, fine!" Lacie hurried in, and the Hatter closed the door behind her. He walked to the kitchen, with Lacie following behind.

"Don't trail me like a puppy dog, girl," he snapped, placing his teacup and saucer in the sink. "Go sit at the table."

Lacie scowled as she obeyed. "Even the Mad Hatter was more polite than you, Hatter."

"Yeah? Well, he didn't live in the Wonderland I'm in, all thanks to your grand-mama…"

"Don't blame her!" Lacie cried defiantly. The Hatter glared at her, then slammed a cup and saucer in front of her.

"I'd suggest you'd start holding your tongue, or else I might throw you out and let a Bandersnatch catch you," he said, his voice low and threatening. He shook his head and went back to the stove. "An Alice if I ever saw one…"

Lacie stared down at the cup, biting her lip in annoyance. Still, if what the Hatter was saying was really true, then it would seem that she needed a safe place to be, and this seemed to be the only one. She looked up as the Hatter poured tea into her cup.

"Sugar? Cream?" he asked, evidently trying to be polite. Lacie swallowed.

"It'll make me mad…" she said softly. The Hatter huffed.

"It won't make you mad," he said sharply, then closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. "It'll help you see things clearer around here."

"The Mad Hatter and March Hare never gave Alice a chance to drink any of it," she peeped.

"She didn't need it. But if you don't want to drink it, then fine." The Hatter whisked her tea away.

"Now, now, Hatter, no need to be snappish."

Lacie stared in surprise as the Cheshire Cat slowly appeared, grin first, in the seat across from her. It looked at her, still grinning. A chill went down Lacie's spine.

"I see you found the Hatter, Alice," he said.

"I…I'm not Alice," she said.

"Like I said, you're _an_ Alice, through and through," the Hatter said, his back to her and the Cat. "You're rude, talkative, interrupting…"

"Will you stop?!" Lacie cried. The Hatter whirled around, glaring at her. Lacie met his glare with equal ferocity.

The Cat, meanwhile, was licking his paw, still grinning. "An Alice with a hot head and a Hatter with a sharp tongue. With a Cat with an unhinged mind, we make quite the mad tea party."

The Hatter snapped his gaze from Lacie and looked at the Cat. "Quiet, Cat. You're lucky I don't turn you over to the Queen."

The Cat chuckled. "When one's mind isn't completely there…" he said, then slowly began to disappear again. "You'll find that the rest of him isn't here, either."

In a moment, the Cat, grin and all, had completely disappeared. The Hatter shook his head and went back to the stove.

"Damn Cheshire Cat…" he murmured, opening a cupboard. He pulled out all sorts of different foods: bread, butter, marmalade, an assortment of small cakes, and cookies. He placed them all on the table. "Here. Eat something. No, the cakes won't make you grow, and neither will anything else."

Lacie sighed. She really didn't want to take anything from the Hatter, but her stomach growled loudly in protest. Sullenly, she took a piece of bread and spread butter on it. After taking a bite and swallowing, she quietly said, "Thank you, Hatter."

"Well, you've got manners enough not to talk with your mouth full," the Hatter said, sitting down across from her. Lacie took it as somewhat of a compliment.

"So…how did you meet the Cheshire Cat?" she asked.

The Hatter, who had poured himself another cup of tea and was stirring in some sugar, looked up. "All of Wonderland knows the Cheshire Cat." He took a drink. "He seems to like me, so I let him come and go as he pleases. Of course, even if I didn't like him, he'd still come and go as he pleases." He traced the rim of his cup. "The Queen's looking for him. He's her main target at the moment. But he always slips away. It's quite remarkable, actually." His dark eyes flicked up to her. "So, what do you plan to do?"

Lacie, who had finished her bread and butter and was about to bite into one of the cakes, looked up in surprise. "Me? What do you mean, Hatter?"

The Hatter shrugged. "Isn't it obvious? The Queen wants Alice's head. You're Alice, or close enough, anyway."

"I am not!"

The Hatter rolled his eyes. "What was your great-grandmother's name?"

"Alice."

"Her daughter?"

"Allison."

"And her daughter?"

"Alicia."

"And you?"

"Lacie."

"Rearrange the letters." The Hatter cleared away a space on the table and poured sugar all over it. Carefully dipping a thin finger into his tea, he spelled out "ALICE" in the sugar, then, under that, wrote, "LAICE", and, under that, "LACIE". "Is that how you spell your name?"

"Y-yes…" Lacie said.

"See? It's Alice anagrammed. You, girl, are an Alice."

Lacie paled. "So…that means…"

"The Queen will be after you in a heartbeat," the Hatter said. "Good luck."

"Hatter, you must help me!" Lacie begged. The Hatter frowned.

"Give me one good reason."

"Well, killing two birds with one stone only works if the stone cooperates."

Both the Hatter and Lacie turned to the stove. The Cat was sitting upon it, grinning at the both of them.

"Beg pardon?" Lacie asked. The Cat slunk over to where they were sitting.

"Personally, I'd use a cat. We can be reliable when we want to be," the Cat said. The Hatter stared at him in disbelief.

"You think we'd be able to overtake the Queen?" he asked.

"How did you understand that?" Lacie asked.

"I've known him a lot longer than you, Alice."

"It's Lacie!"

"Nonetheless…" The Hatter leaned forward, his fingers pressed against his mouth thoughtfully. "What are you saying, Cat?"

The Cat stretched. "We're all mad here, you, me, and our Alice. But what matters is who's the most mad, and who's the least mad."

"So what are we?" Lacie asked. The Cat's grin seemed to widen.

"That, our Alice, is for us to soon find out."


	2. Hats and Dodos: A Most Odd Mixture

_Tap-tap-tap_

Lacie blinked blearily in the early morning light, then buried her face in her pillow, not willing to face another crappy day.

Tap-tap-tap

She groaned. If it was Geoff, she was ready to scream. He was the last thing she needed today…he was still so nice, making sure she was okay after the breakup…she couldn't handle that perfection…

TAP-TAP-TAP

Lacie jumped up in her bed and stifled a scream. A huge, ugly bird-type thing was at her window, rapping its one huge claw against it. It let out a loud sound that was somewhere between a squawk and a shriek, and, in doing so, revealed its long, pointed teeth in its beak as it beat the air with multicolored feathers. What was that doing in London?!

Suddenly, inside the house, there was a loud, masculine cry, and the sound of rushing feet. A tall, thin boy came rushing in, holding a kettle. Seeing the Hatter made Lacie remember everything: she was in Wonderland, and the Queen of Hearts wanted her head.

However, that was _not_ the matter at hand. The matter at hand was that the Hatter was _opening the window_.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Lacie screamed.

"The hell that I'm doing is getting this beast away from my house!" the Hatter yelled back, and threw boiling hot water on the bird. It let out another squawk-shriek, and quickly flew away. "And stay the hell away from my house!" the Hatter yelled after it, waving the kettle threateningly. He huffed, then shut the window and turned around to face Lacie. "What?"

Lacie had next to no idea as to what had just happened, which is still better than no idea at all, but, as a reply to the Hatter's question, she fell back against the pillows in a dead faint.

She woke up a few minutes later, and, surprisingly, the Hatter was still there. Even more surprisingly, he didn't look any different than he had before Lacie had passed out. She stared at him for a moment. He was missing his hat, his hair was tousled, and had a thin covering of reddish stubble on his chin, and also hadn't tucked in his shirt. Like this, he didn't look quite so…_mad_. He frowned.

"It's rude to stare," he quipped. Lacie rolled her eyes as she sat up.

"It's rude to snap at girls who just passed out."

"Stuff and nonsense. It helps them wake up. And speaking of which…" The Hatter got up from his place at the little swivel chair by the desk and picked up the kettle. "That Jubjub bird made us lose our tea…damn…"

"That what bird?"

"The Jubjub bird. And we got a particularly frumious one."

"Frumious?" Lacie giggled as she said it.

"Fuming and furious, both at once. Shut up, Alice, it's a word."

Lacie stopped laughing and glowered. "For the last time, Hatter, it's Lacie!"

"Right, right, Alice, whatever," the Hatter said absently, staring at the kettle intently. "I think you should go back to sleep."

"Why? I feel pretty awake." After a shock like a frumious Jubjub bird, Lacie had no idea on how she was going to go back to sleep for the next three days or so.

The Hatter pulled down the right side of his mouth in an odd half-frown. "Because I want some time without your incessant yammering. And…" he added, just before Lacie was going to protest, "…I would like to finish getting ready without you stalking around trying to get a peek."

Lacie felt the blood rush to her face. "Wh-what?! You're sick!"

"No, according to you, I'm mad." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small tin box, which he opened and, from which, pulled out a small, bright purple candy of a sort. He held it out to Lacie. "For you. It'll help after your scare with the Jubjub bird."

Lacie sent him a disbelieving look. "I know better than to take candy from here, Hatter."

"You took a cake last night."

"That's beside the point."

"Only because you're making it so." The Hatter sighed and sat on the bed, next to her. "It's safe, you know."

"Prove it." Lacie crossed her arms defiantly. The Hatter rolled his dark eyes, then popped the candy in his mouth, chewed once, and swallowed.

"Oh, look, I'm fine," he said, sarcastically amazed. He picked out another candy from the box, this one a vivid cerulean, and held it out Lacie. "Guess what? This one's safe, too."

"Fine, if you'll shut up." Lacie snatched the candy and cautiously pressed it against the tip of her tongue. It tasted wonderful, like chocolate, strawberries, caramel, and vanilla, all at once. She put the whole thing in her mouth, chewed it carefully, then swallowed. Immediately, her eyes felt heavy. The Hatter, still sitting next to her, smirked as she fell back against her pillows.

"You said it was safe, Hatter," she said, hating the way her words slurred. The Hatter got to his feet.

"Well, just because it's safe doesn't mean it doesn't do anything. See you in a few hours, Alice."

The Hatter patted Lacie's forehead, then everything went dark.

Lacie woke up again at least an hour later. The first thing that she realized was the smell of breakfast wafting up from downstairs, and her stomach growled loudly. She sat up and suddenly remembered something else…something that _really_ pissed her off…

She jumped out of bed and hurried downstairs, screaming "Hatter!" over and over as she bolted down the winding staircase. She was so angry that she didn't realize where she was going, and, as a result, ran face-first into the Hatter as he walked up the stairs, and they both tumbled down the rest of the flight.

"Well, good morning to you, too, Alice," the Hatter snapped when they reached the bottom of the stairs. Lacie punched his arm angrily. "Ow!"

"You tricked me, Hatter!" she screamed. Lacie wasn't very prone to screaming, but this seemed like a very good time to do so. The Hatter, looking none too happy, pushed her off (for she had landed on top of him), and sat up. He glared at her impressively, his previously neat hair tousled and his hat knocked off, lying forlornly a few feet away.

"I needed you to stay out of my way while I finished getting ready and made breakfast, which you may feel obligated to thank me for later," he said snappishly as he picked up his hat and brushed it off, snappishly. Everything he did, Lacie noticed, was done very snappishly.

Lacie crossed her arms and glared at him as he carefully smoothed his hair and placed his hat back atop his head. She frowned as she realized how long the sleeves on her pajamas were. No doubt they were the Hatter's, which ordinarily would be either a very nice or very kinky gesture, but since they belonged to the Hatter in the first place, it was neither of these things, and did not help Lacie's mood in the least.

The Hatter, seemingly not noticing Lacie's current mood, got to his feet, brushed off his red coat, and adjusted his ascot. He then checked his watch.

"Thursday, May the second," he murmured, then snapped the watch closed and looked down at Lacie. "Come on, Alice. I can hear your stomach growling. Breakfast is waiting, and I don't think you'd want it cold."

Sullenly, Lacie got to her feet and rolled back the sleeves of her pajamas, going slow enough to cause the Hatter to impatiently tap his foot and drum his fingers on his arms, which were crossed. She smirked as she finished, then followed him to the kitchen.

"I didn't know you cooked, Hatter," she said as they walked, a slightly mocking tone in her voice.

"I don't," the Hatter replied, repaying the smirk she had given him earlier with his own. He opened the door to the kitchen and walked in. Lacie stopped, dumbfounded, as she stared inside.

In the course of about twelve hours, the Hatter had somehow managed to put an enormous mechanism into his kitchen. He was currently staring curiously at a pair of mechanical arms as they cracked an egg and cooked it on the old-fashioned stove. He looked away as the kettle whistled loudly, and quickly put a plate onto the counter as toast popped out of the toaster. It landed squarely on the plate, which the Hatter then whisked away to the table, pulling out the butter and marmalade on the way. He looked up at Lacie.

"Well, sit down," he said, placing the plate, butter, and marmalade all onto the table as another pair of mechanical hands poured the boiling water from the kettle into a nearby teapot.

Lacie barely heard him. She was staring in absolute amazement at the marvelous contraption. She had never seen anything remotely like this cooking machine before, save for maybe in a Tim Burton movie.

"Are you going to eat, Alice? Or would you prefer to just stand there, gaping like an idiot?" the Hatter quipped dryly.

Finally, Lacie silently sat down at the table, and mechanical hands brought over a platter of eggs, sausage, and what looked like freshly baked muffins. The Hatter sat down across from her, pouring himself a cup of tea and buttering a piece of toast at the same time.

"You're ambidextrous?" Lacie asked stupidly. Being ambidextrous wasn't terribly odd, especially in this environment, but everything seemed to take Lacie by surprise this morning.

The Hatter's dark eyes flicked up to her, and then he looked back down at his tea, wearing the first non-mocking smile Lacie had seen from him as he shook his head slightly. He looked back up at her, his smile condescending now.

"Yes, Alice. I can also unhinge my shoulder at will. But stupid human tricks shall have to wait," he said, his voice mockingly sweet. Lacie frowned at him as he took a drink from his cup.

"You're not funny," she said, her lip curling slightly in annoyance. The Hatter simply rolled his eyes and took a bite of his toast.

"By the by, Alice, I recommend you eat. You'll be working today, and you'll need your strength and your wits about you."

"My wits?" Lacie was confused. What did he mean by work?

As if he had read her mind, the Hatter said, "You'll be working in the Hat Shoppe with me. I can't keep you cooped up here all day, you'll burn the house down. So…for the next few days, you'll be my apprentice. So eat something, will you? Snubbing my food is not polite in the least."

Lacie frowned. After what had happened with the candy, she knew she shouldn't eat anything here. But her stomach growled loudly in protest, so she sullenly picked up a muffin and bit it experimentally. It had an odd taste to it, not unpleasant, but nothing she was used to. It must have been some strange, Wonderland muffin recipe. Even more remarkably, nothing happened to her. She took another bite, and still nothing happened.

"You act like I'm trying to poison you," the Hatter said. He was leaning forward, his chin resting on his hand as he stared at Lacie. She jumped.

"Why do you have to be so creepy?" she cried. The Hatter's lips curled into a wickedly amused smile.

"You find _me_ creepy?" he asked, then chuckled. "You're definitely in for a surprise, Alice."

Lacie glared at him, then sighed. From the looks of it, she was stuck with the Hatter for the rest of her duration in Wonderland. Well, either that or go and get her head lopped off by the Queen, which wasn't a very appealing idea. The least she could to was try and be somewhat polite to the Hatter.

"Did you make this, Hatter?" she asked, her voice stiff. The Hatter's eyebrows rose in surprise at her sudden change in demeanor.

"Did I make what?" he asked.

"The machine."

"Oh…yes, I did." He sounded confused, and gave her a quizzical look. "Why do you ask, Alice?"

"Well…it's like nothing I've ever seen before," Lacie admitted, not looking at the Hatter. She didn't like complimenting him, but she thought it might get her on his good side. At least then the insults would stop.

"Really?" The Hatter's voice sounded strange, and Lacie realized there was a twinge of awkwardness in it. "It's nothing special, really. With all these people losing heads, the hat business has gone down, so I have a lot of free time. I just put this together because I was bored, really…"

Lacie looked up at the Hatter. He was staring at his machine oddly, as though seeing it for the first time. But he must have spent months working on it. Lacie suddenly wondered if she was the first person, beside the Hatter, of course, to see it. The Hatter looked over at her, the corners of his mouth turned up in a small smile.

"Using compliments to get me to be nice, eh, Alice? Clever idea, but not quite clever enough. A good try, though," he said, then got to his feet. "You'll find proper clothes in the wardrobe in your room."

"Proper clothes?" Lacie asked, swallowing the last bit of her muffin. The Hatter arched a dark eyebrow. "What about my old ones?"

"It would be too obvious that you aren't from around here, making you an Alice instantly."

"So…I'm supposed to wear the clothes that you have for me?" Lacie didn't like the sound of this. The Hatter smirked.

"Unless you prefer working in my pajamas."

Lacie frowned, then got up from her place and walked out of the kitchen. As the door swung closed behind her, she could have sworn she heard the Hatter chuckle. She stomped up the stairs up to the room she had slept in. As soon as she got in it, she sat down angrily on the bed. She didn't like it when people laughed at her. She hated it when the Hatter laughed at her.

"Well, I have to deal with him until I get out of here," Lacie said, a tone of defeat in her voice. "I can't let him get under my skin."

"A good call, our Alice."

Lacie looked up. The Cheshire Cat was sitting contentedly on the windowsill. Lacie cocked her head. Had the Hatter left it open, or was it just another one of the freaky things this Cat could do?

"Hello, Cat," Lacie said. The Cat stretched, then jumped onto the desk, smiling his ever-present grin. "Any reason you're here?"

"Like the Hatter told you, I come and go as I please. He can be charitable when he feels obligated to," the Cat said. "But, then again, can't we all?"

Lacie shook her head. "You speak nonsense, Cat."

"Nonsense is just nonsensical to those who have too much sense," the Cat said cryptically.

Lacie simply rolled her eyes and went to the wardrobe. She opened the door, and her eyebrows rose. The thing was filled with all sorts of different dresses, each of which was very pretty in a Victorian sort of way. But she couldn't think of one that would work for being a hatter's apprentice.

"Cat, help me out," she said, turning. The Cat had already half-disappeared. He chuckled.

"Even in the Kingdom of Madness, a Cat is not a fashion consultant," he said, then fully disappeared.

Lacie huffed, then turned back to the wardrobe and picked out the simplest dress and put it on. She had to admit, it looked fairly decent on her. The two petticoats poofed the knee-length skirt out slightly, making Lacie's slim, petite frame look slightly more curvy. And the contrast between the red of the dress and the white apron she wore over it made her skin look prettily pale. She tied a piece of ribbon around her head, keeping her short hair behind her ears, then pulled on a pair of black and white stockings she had found at the bottom of the wardrobe.

She then frowned at the Victorian ankle-high boots next to the wardrobe. They had heels, and heels were Lacie's worst enemies. She pulled on her Converse instead and walked downstairs. The Hatter, who was leaning against the front door with his hat pulled over his eyes, stood up straight and pushed his hat back to the top of his head. His eyebrows rose.

"Acceptable, your lordship?" Lacie asked venomously, dropping him a mock-curtsey. The Hatter gave her a lopsided smile.

"Well, I'd say it was a bit cliché, given what your grand-mama wore here, but your shoes and horrible attitude keep it from being so." He turned and opened the door, then said, "Come now, Apprentice. Wonderland needs its hats."

Lacie sighed as she let her head fall back. She was sore from her fall down the stairs earlier that morning, and now her fingers ached from all the sewing she had done, attaching feathers, pearls, flowers, even whole stuffed birds onto hats, only to have her work swiftly pulled apart and redone by the Hatter. He was quite anal about his hats.

However, after three hours with no customers, the Hatter had allowed Lacie to stop. Even he was getting bored, Lacie could tell. She sighed again and looked over at the Hatter.

After the second hour, he had taken off his jacket and hat, leaving them on the chair beside him. Lacie had to admit, with his slight build accented by his tight vest and graceful movements not hindered by his coat, he was a rather attractive young man. And, when he wasn't barking orders at her or insulting her or doing a combination of the two, he wasn't that bad a guy. Unfortunately, all these things disappeared as soon as he opened his mouth.

Luckily, he wasn't opening his mouth at the moment. Rather, he was tinkering with a little metal object, biting the left half of his lower lip as he worked. Lacie couldn't help but notice what a curious habit that was.

"Apprentice," he finally said, not looking up from his work. (He had told Lacie ahead of time that, while they weren't in the safety of his house, he would call her Apprentice, to keep his head from being lopped off. Oh, and hers, too.) "Would you fetch me that spring from that old watch on the counter?"

"Huh?" Lacie looked up. He had asked her a question politely. How odd.

The Hatter looked up. Then he frowned. "Sleeping on the job, eh, Apprentice? If you drank some tea, this wouldn't happen," he said dryly. "The watch on the counter. Fetch me the spring."

"All right, all right…jeez…" Lacie got to her feet and rolled her eyes. She would like the Hatter much, much more if she could find a way to keep his mouth shut. She paused for a moment on her way to the counter, eyeing the thread and needle. Then she shook her head and continued. Sewing his mouth closed would no doubt get blood on her Converse.

As soon as she had handed the spring to the Hatter, the door to the shop opened. Lacie spun around and stifled a gasp. The customer who had just entered the store was none other than the Dodo bird she had met when she had first entered Wonderland.

The Hatter's dark eyes flicked to her for a moment, then he stood up and smiled cordially at the Dodo.

"Welcome to my humble hat shop, sir," he said, his voice unusually warm and polite. He plucked his hat off of the chair beside him and placed it back upon his head.

"Good to see you, Hatter. You're much more chipper than your predecessor, I can tell you," the Dodo said with a chortle. Lacie noticed the Hatter's eyes grow hard, but his smile remained wide and welcoming.

"Well, I try to treat my customers as highly as they are. Now, why is it you have come to my shop, sir? Are you looking for a hat?" The Hatter stepped out from behind the counter and walked around the Dodo, inspecting him thoroughly. "I believe a nice tri-corner would do for you, sir. Perhaps in a lovely shade of violet…maybe chartreuse…it would definitely suit your personality…"

Lacie burst out laughing. She could hear the Hatter's disguised sarcasm in the comment. The Hatter's head snapped up.

"And what is so funny, Apprentice?" he asked sternly, walking over to her briskly.

"I…I…" Lacie was stunned; the Hatter looked positively ready to kill. His frown deepened.

"Is that all you can say, you stupid girl? Go and fetch the violet tri-corner from the back room," he ordered.

Lacie, still in shock at the Hatter's sudden change in emotion, hurried to the back room to get the hat. She blinked back angry tears as she looked through the hats. She absolutely hated the Hatter, and now he had to go and insult her with someone else present!

"Your apprentice certainly is taking her sweet time," remarked the Dodo from outside.

"Yes, she is. Only started yesterday, you know. If you'll excuse me, sir, I believe I must help her."

"Not at all, my dear boy! Go right ahead." Lacie could hear the Dodo hiding a chuckle.

Not a moment later, the Hatter walked into the back room, his face oddly flushed.

"He winked at me…" he murmured. "That son of a bitch winked at me…I'm surprised he didn't nudge me as I walked in here…Probably waiting to hear giggles and gasps, the bastard…"

Lacie didn't reply, just stared straight down at her hands. She was still rather pissed off about how the Hatter had treated her, and him going on about how the Dodo was probably a voyeur was _not_ helping her mood.

Suddenly, she saw a long, thin hand reach out in front of her and take the felt three-cornered hat that was on the worktable. She looked up at the Hatter, who sighed.

"This…" he said, his voice oddly soft, "…is the hat I wanted you to get."

"What, so are you going to call me stupid again?" Lacie spat. The Hatter's eyes widened for a moment, then he closed them and sighed again.

"Well, I'm not going to say I'm sorry, because I may not be later. But…at the moment…well, I do slightly regret it. Not much, mind you, but slightly."

Lacie stared at him. What he had just said was probably the closest to an apology he had ever said in his life. He was looking down at the moment, twirling the hat between his hands awkwardly. In apologizing, Lacie realized, the Hatter had lost a battle against Lacie. What battle it was, she wasn't sure, but there was an odd sort of pleasure in knowing this was true.

"By the by…" the Hatter said, still looking down, "…around the Dodo, you might want to do two things…"

"What's that?" Lacie asked, taken out of her revelry. The Hatter looked up, a dark look on his face.

"Hold your tongue, and keep your temper," he murmured, so low that Lacie had to lean forward to hear him. "He sides with the Queen, and he'll know that you're an Alice the moment you slip."

Lacie stiffened, then nodded. The Hatter sent her a small smile, then walked out from the back room, Lacie trailing him. The Dodo tried to hide a mischievous smile as the two walked back in. Lacie could see what the Hatter meant when saying the bird was a voyeur.

"Here you are, sir! The perfect hat for you," the Hatter said with a broad smile as he held out the tri-corner. The Dodo took it and tried it on.

"Ah, yes, m'boy, perfect fit!" cried the Dodo, admiring himself in the mirror. "How much for this lovely thing?"

"I believe three gold should cover it. What do you say, Apprentice?" the Hatter asked, looking over at Lacie. She looked from the Hatter to the Dodo, then nodded. The Hatter smiled. "Then three gold it is."

"Right, then, here you go, m'boy," the Dodo said, dropping three gold coins into the Hatter's hand. He looked around suspiciously, then lowered his voice. "Now, listen, Hatter…there's rumor about that Alice has found her way back here."

The Hatter arched an eyebrow and laughed. "Alice? Why, sir, it must have been over one hundred years since she last came, and her kind doesn't hold up like ours."

"Nevertheless, m'boy, it's true. I've seen her."

The Hatter chuckled. "Of course, sir. Well, I shall keep an eye out for a little girl with fair hair. That's how I've heard she looks."

"Well, she's changed a bit…gotten a bit older…her hair's darker…"

Lacie, who had been working on sewing a strawberry on a straw hat, clenched her sewing needle so hard it broke in half. The Hatter's eyes darted over to her for half a second, then he smiled back at the Dodo.

"Well, sir, I shall keep that in mind. Good doing business with you, and I hope to see you again," he said, shoving the Dodo out of the shop. "But my shop is closed and I need to have a discussion with my Apprentice. Good day, sir, and goodbye."

With that, he pushed the Dodo out of the door and shut it behind him. From outside, Lacie could hear him mutter, "Just as peculiar around women as the first Hatter…"

The Hatter, apparently paying no attention to the Dodo, sighed and took off his hat, running his hand through his dark hair.

"Well, that was an adventure. I need tea, badly. Let's go home, Apprentice."


End file.
